Dating: When You’re Sober and the Other Person Isn’t

In early recovery, dating is weird. A lot of people assume their only option is to date other sober people. Not because they necessarily want to, but because they worry no one else will understand them, or that their sobriety will be seen as baggage that no one is going to want to check.

But that isn’t always true. In fact, plenty of people are comfortable dating someone who doesn’t drink or use drugs, with Bumble reporting that 34% of users would be open to dry dating. The harder question is usually the other way around: Is it healthy for the sober person to date someone who isn’t sober?

Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it isn’t. Let’s talk about it.

Questions That Matter

If you’re sober and dating, the real question isn’t whether someone else drinks or uses substances, but whether their habits affect your stability.

Some people can be around alcohol and feel completely fine, while others can’t. Neither reaction is wrong. The old platitude of “recovery looks different” rings true here, but it should also be noted that recovery is a deeply personal and ever-evolving process. Self-reflection is a daily task that should be stressed during points of stress or transition, so it makes sense that when you’re dating new people, you’ll need to check in with yourself more often, and ask questions that might be uncomfortable.

I can’t tell you what to do (and that’s like my faaavvorite thing to do so it breaks my heart to say I can’t), but I will say that trying to prove you’re “fine” is almost always a sign that you are not fine. It’s one thing to plan conversations ahead of time and think on how you’ll navigate tricky topics–that’s a normal thing people do when they’re dating–it’s another to let your date slam tequila and passionately kiss you right after. Your recovery is not performance art to be shown off and approved of before someone decides if you’re worth their time.

Even if you’re just trying to get laid. It is that deep.

Alcohol and Drug Use Aren’t the Same Thing

So, you know recovery and reflection are important. Big duh, yes. Let’s talk now about the habits of the people you date and how they can signal different levels of risk.

Alcohol is legal and everywhere. It is an easily accessible social lubricant, so cocktail lounges and happy hours are popular date suggestions. As most adults drink at least occasionally, it’s likely a suggestion you’ll encounter while dating. Many people drink alcohol and don’t develop a dependence or addiction to it, and face no major consequences from it. Adults who drink socially are not breaking the law, in a situation where they need to lie about their use, or compromising their physical, mental, or financial health to support their drinking habits. That doesn’t mean a sober person has to be comfortable around alcohol, but realize too that someone drinking around you isn’t automatically a person you need to block from your life.

As the sober person in this situation, the decision rests with you to determine the bounds of your own comfort and to exercise those boundaries when it is needed. You may try a date with someone who is drinking and find that it was fine. You may also find that it was uncomfortable or that the focus on it detracted from your experience on the date. You can sit with those feelings and decide if you want to go on another date–this time without alcohol, here are some ideas–or if you want to respectfully bow out of future meet-ups with that person and wish them all the best.

Illicit drug use is different. Cocaine, heroin, fentanyl, and similar substances bring a different level of risk, a different culture, and a different set of consequences. Being in the orbit of a person who does need to lie, hide, and reckon with the consequences of substance use can destabilize someone in recovery very quickly, even if they have no intention of using.

It’s reasonable for a sober person to decide that dating someone who uses drugs isn’t safe for them. That is the responsible decision. And, if you’re here because you have been wondering if there’s a world where you can date a drug user while you’re in recovery, let me gently encourage you to choose a different path.

What Sober People Wonder

When you’re sober and dating, some practical questions come up fast:

• Am I comfortable if they drink at dinner?
• Do I want alcohol kept in the house?
• How do I feel about kissing someone who’s been drinking?
• Are certain environments off-limits for me now?

There’s no universal rulebook. The only useful answers are the honest ones, and those can change over time. Early recovery often looks different from long-term recovery. Paying attention to where you are right now matters more than guessing where you “should” be.

What Non-Sober Partners Wonder

If you’re someone who is dating or considering dating a person in recovery, no one really tells you what the rules are. And it’s because the rules change from person to person and are an ever-moving target shaped by someone’s individual experiences. People who aren’t sober themselves are often unsure of how to approach a date with a sober person, and they don’t always ask the questions that need asking.

• Is it rude to drink around them?
• Should I hide it?
• Is it okay to keep alcohol at home?
• Will I offend them if I go out with friends and drink?

Trust, someone who is sober following a battle with addiction is not usually shy about discussing their boundaries. There is nothing you can ask them that they haven’t asked themselves 6 inches from the mirror. Sobriety requires directness and intention, so while it may be new to you to ask questions, it isn’t new to them to answer them. The kindest thing to do is to be honest and considerate.

Asking directly is usually the best approach. It also prevents the awkward situation where one person is trying to be polite while the other person is uncomfortable.

Honesty About Drug Use Is Non-Negotiable

If you are someone who uses drugs, whether it’s recreationally or habitually, being honest about it is a non-negotiable. A person in recovery has worked hard to get there, they’ve restarted their life, they may be repairing relationships with family and friends or they may have had to leave behind everyone they’d ever known in order to achieve long-term sobriety. Their recovery must come first, and because of that, they deserve to know what they’re stepping into. That includes frequency, social situations, and whether substances are present in the home.

Even if you’re just trying to get laid. Do not bring someone to your crack house.

It also means being prepared for the possibility that the sober person may decide the relationship isn’t right for them. That decision isn’t personal in the way people sometimes assume, but to someone in recovery, protecting that recovery is the top priority. If you are a danger to that–either as an occasional drinker or an absolute coke-head, don’t take it personally.

And if you are a coke-head, is this a bad time to gas up Recovery Unplugged?

Is a Healthy Relationship Possible?

Relationships like this aren’t impossible, but they do require more awareness than most couples are used to. You have to talk early on about things people usually avoid for the first few months: comfort levels, habits, boundaries, triggers, routines.

It’s not a glamorous conversation, but it’s what keeps resentment and misunderstandings from building in the background and dooming something that might’ve otherwise been good.

Some couples handle this well and grow stronger. Others reach a point where the difference in lifestyles is simply too big. Or maybe one of the people is just a dickhead and it doesn’t actually have anything to do with drinking or drugs. Sometimes clarity arrives late, and that doesn’t make the attempt a failure or negate any positive takeaways from the experience.

One Last Thing

Sobriety changes how you move through the world. It also changes what you need from the people close to you.

Dating doesn’t have to stop, and it doesn’t have to be limited to one type of person. But it does require self-awareness and a willingness to be honest, even when the honest answer is inconvenient.

Protecting your sobriety isn’t dramatic, and it won’t c*ckblock you forever. Stay the course that keeps you well, the people who respect that are usually the ones worth keeping around.